something decided.

i think i have finally come to a conclusion.
because of all these mix feelings coming at me, i think i am finally going to do something about it.
these days, i've been avoiding whatever it is about joey.
things about her have been making me upset. im jealous.
im scared shes leaving me behind.
and it finally hit me before coming to this blog on what to do.
i decided to try to not give a crap anymore.
if you can't the situation, you change yourself.
i decided to adapt.

something tiring.

had an enjoyable day with amy love yesterday.
the shopping line was crazy in aero.
thank god i got 2 sweaters from AE.
but i have this horrible feeling that someone else is going to have the same thing.
that'll suck a lot ;[
it was such a happy day throughout the time.
but it was so weird how a phonecall to joey just brought our mood down.
we were done with shopping and thinking of where to eat.
i called joey to check up on her in SI Mall to find out she was in Fifth Ave.
In fifth ave? me and amy were just there in the morning.
she should of came with us.
But maybe she was out with her family shopping.
i was going to ask her to go out to eat with us, but i decided to ask her what she was doing there.
"im going to the movies."
"oh."
perhaps she just brought my mood down at that moment.
what, is she going to see New Moon?
Had i NOT asked her to go to see new moon with me?
"oh, okay then. ill talk to you next time."
"why. what is it? tell me."
"nothing. nevermind. byes."
Right now, im wondering to myself,
when exactly was the last time the three of us spent time together outside?
its so ironic- wait, i don't even know if ironic is the best way to describe it,
how i decided to have a talk with her and thought that maybe this will bring us back together.
how stupid i was.
i lost her already. why don't i just freaken get it?
I didn't even think it was that bad until i went on facebook. oh, how facebook can come to ruin your mood.
i found out joey had went to SI Mall with her new friends.
she had also went to the movies with her new friends.
i asked her to go both places with me and amy, but she chose them.
her freaken new friends.
and im sure she had a lot of fun.
and yes, i am jealous. i am so freaking jealous i just want to give up on her.
because i finally come to decide that, really, im trying to hold onto something thats not even there anymore. what am i holding onto now? our sweet old memories. they're the past. right now, i am not even in joey's future. Her future revolves around her boyfriend and her new friends. oh, how fucking stupid i was to think that we will last forever. Because nothing lasts forever. and right now, we broke. like shattering glass, we broke. why do i even bother hurting myself to piece the glasses together to bring back something we use to have when all this time, the truth was, it'll never be the same again. what the hell am i thinking?


ROFL. reading back what i wrote, you'll probably think joey's my boyfriend or something.
no, she's not. shes my best frie- no. cross that out. she was a close friend i use to have.





Im tired.
tired of holding onto something thats not even there anymore.
i gave up. gave up the same way you gave up on me.
im done.

something different.

im something different.
i go through tons of problems and upsetting times.
im depressive. a lot of things make me upset.
im a bit psychotic. Things go wrong.
im jealous a lot. i want what others have.
im not confident. i lose hope easily.
im unsure of myself. i have too much flaws.
im insecure. i cry a lot.
im annoying. i complain a lot.
im lonely. people can't accept me for who i am.
im moody. emotions just hit me.
im weird. i enjoy people seeing and doing things other people dont do.
im a bitch. i have an attitude and talk crap about people.
im fake. i don't tell people how i really feel about them.
im a two face. people don't take me for who i am but take me for who they want me to be.
im obnoxious. i just want attention.
im childish. i don't want to grow up.
im a backstabber. i lose trust in people i once thought were trustworthy.
im a nerd. i care a lot about my education.
im anti social. i can't seem to communicate with certain people.
im a loser. they think im too odd to hang out with.
im not athletic. i don't try hard enough.
im offensive. people take my sarcasm too seriously.
im always afraid. i can't handle new things alone.
im a monster. people cant handle me by themselves.

but of all these things, the most important one is:

im human. im not perfect.


& i am happy.

because the most important thing is.
i'm me.



at the end,




im just something different.

something to note.

i've finally decided to make a blog.
just a place where i can keep all my thoughts and hopefully not ditch it like all my other journals.
when making this blog, i wondered to myself,
"should i put up real names of the people i talk about, or should i write some kind of coding that i will hopefully remember years later? what if the people i write about come to my blog somehow and find out all the stuff i say?" i just want to express my feelings. im not aiming to hurt your feelings or anything like that. its just personal thoughts. if you can't take it and think of me as a bitch, fine. just stop reading and move on with your life. because if you cant handle this shit, dont. i just have this feeling someone will use this against me one day. and show everyone how evil or mean or disgusting i am. maybe i am. maybe im not. its for you to judge. if you take the time to know me and know who i really am, then you'll come to understand me.
so yeahs. all this confusing crap. all im trying to say is,
for all my entries. if you find it offending, go on with your life. if you like it, enjoy it. and if you just dont care, then whatever.

and yeahs. thats it. just a warning, as you may call it.



and now it begins.
my high school life.